hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
