Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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