He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
