i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
