It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry my hands just texted you
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
