Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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