I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
