Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
