Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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