We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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