Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
