I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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