dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
this hospital has no fireball
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
