i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
