According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
