Four minutes until I can fart!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize