Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
