They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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