Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There r osticjed everywhere
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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