she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
