I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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