normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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