i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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