You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
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