I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
