Just fell off a train. Bad.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
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