I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
is it fun? or sober?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
