am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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