Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
