You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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