I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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