You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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