I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
