you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
