If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
