I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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