His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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