i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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