You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
