She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize