I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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