FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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