So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
