I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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