we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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