and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
