So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize