the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
