Can i not drive my cunt home
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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