So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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