if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
