so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
