Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
