if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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