I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize