im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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