why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I want a musical about memes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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