well I can't set my house on fire every night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize