Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
