I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
