I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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