your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize